The Fall of the Birds

A few weeks ago I was driving to work on the freeway. The speed limit was 75mph and I've discovered that if you go 82 mph you can fly by the highway patrolman and they won't even blink. So I set my cruise control at 82 mph. I was enjoying my loud music when out of the corner of my eye I see a bird flying towards my car. I watched as this very large bird flew headfirst, as fast and hard as it could, into the bottom of my windshield. The same windshield that was traveling at 82 miles an hour. I screamed. It rolled off the windshield and off my car and I watched it in my rear view mirror as it landed on the road, rolled for a few feet and then came to a stop. It was dead the second it hit my windshield. I looked forward to where the bird had hit and in the middle of my windshield where the windshield meets the hood of the car was a nice fresh pile of bird guts, brains, feathers, and some green stuff? Neon green. Is that normal? Do birds have neon green blood? I wanted to get the crap off but I have less than stellar windshield wipers and I knew if I turned them on they'd just smear everything all over and then I'd probably freak out and throw up. I had to leave it where it was and I watched it the entire drive.

I called Rick to tell him because, oh my gosh, a bird just dove into my car, but he didn't answer. Instead I replayed every horror movie I've ever seen and realized that it always starts with the birds. Before T-Rex comes - the birds fly away. Before the Meteor hits - the birds fly away. Before the earthquake - the birds fly away. Before the little girl crawls out of the well - the birds fly away. So what happens when the birds start to commit suicide? I can't imagine that it's anything good. If something terrible happens to me in the near future it was because of the birds. And if it's the kind of thing that turns into a movie then I'd like Jennifer Aniston to play me. I've always been told I look like her.

Not.

For Mother's Day this year I thought that it would be a nice surprise to get my mom a lovely bouquet of flowers. We're not really the flower giving type of family. I've seen my dad get my mom roses for Valentine's Day or Anniversaries, but it wasn't like we always had fresh flowers around. I figured she would be surprised to get flowers delivered from her out of state daughter. I heard about a website that had tons to choose from. I don't know what my mom's favorite flower is but I had my eye on a bouquet of 100 different brightly colored tulips. I texted my sister to ask her what my mom's favorite flower is. She said "I have no idea but I got her some tulips." Hmm, okay, glad I asked. I'll just get her something else. So I picked an arrangement of bright blue iris and light pink lilies. They looked beautiful together. Next I had to pick the vase (from about 5 different options), the card, and I put it in a package deal with chocolates and some beauty products. Perfect! I got everything ordered and sent off to Utah. It said it would be there on Saturday. That day I texted my mom and told her she had something coming to the house. She texted me when they arrived, told me how beautiful they were, and then sent me a picture of the flowers I sent her next to the flowers my sister sent her.

Same vase. Same green and white note. Same spa package. The only things different were the flowers (which almost didn't happen, good thing I asked my sister) and the cards. Does anybody need to borrow a green vase? Cause I think my mom has a couple.