Life Lessons by Logan

The very first night home from the hospital I was getting ready to feed Logan. He was laying on my lap flat on his back. He suddenly threw up a lot, and was choking on it. He stopped breathing and I quickly sat him up as he struggled to take a breath for about 10 seconds. It was the longest and most terrifying 10 seconds of my newly mothered life. Rick was sitting right next to me when it all happened, and had run to get the bulb syringe so we could clear out his throat. By the time he ran back, Logan finally took a breath, and then started crying. It was a cry we hadn't heard from him before. It was his first time crying in fear. We joined right along with him, and all 3 of us sat in that bedroom and cried.

I remember always hearing about people who were afraid of the world, or afraid for their children. Afraid of the people in the world, the things that were happening, and the things that could happen. I never got it. I always felt like if you feel like the world is a scary, dangerous place, then it's going to be a scary, dangerous place. If you feel like the world is beautiful and filled with good people, then you are going to see the beauty and the good in people. For me, it was all about perspective. And then I had a kid, and now everything is scary as hell. The scariest things are the things I have no control over (like if he gets sick, or injured, or chokes on his throw up and stops breathing). Two weeks later, I was holding Logan and rocking him in the rocking chair. I noticed something moving on the floor and I thought it was a centipede because we had found one earlier that week (ON MY BED UNDER RICK'S PILLOW!) and it was the same color. I got up to look at it and it was an Arizona bark scorpion - the deadliest kind in North America. Rick killed it, and then minutes later went to work, leaving me alone and terrified with my brand new baby for the next 2 days. I went to bed crying that night, holding Logan tightly next to me, and dreamt that I heard him screaming and ran to his crib to find him being stung by scorpions and bitten by rattlesnakes.

For a few months I was living in fear at how fragile his itty bitty life was, and how I was 100% responsible for his well being. Coupled with a seemingly longer than normal recovery from childbirth, and wanting to punch everyone in the face who told me breastfeeding would be easy, it was kind of overwhelming. But it was also the must fun I've ever had. We made this beautiful little person and we get to keep him! I get to be his mom! I can style his hair any way I want! I get to hold him as much as I want! The most spiritual moments of my life came in the weeks following his birth. I felt like there was a piece of heaven in our home. I felt my loved ones who have passed on surrounding me in moments where I was having a breakdown over a scorpion. They were, and are, watching over us, and keeping us safe. This has helped me to worry less, especially about things I can't control. Worrying solves nothing. No amount of worrying that I do today will prevent bad things from happening later. That was the first lesson that Logan taught me - don't worry.

The second lesson is to be happy. This kid is always happy. He smiled early, he laughed early, and he loves everything and everyone. The only times he is upset is when he is hungry or tired (or today when I wouldn't let him eat dog food). He just has a very sweet, content, easy going personality. As he's getting older, it's so fun to see the world through his eyes. Things I never thought about are so fascinating to him (Ceiling fans! Keys! DOGS!) and I love watching his mind figure things out and seeing what he finds funny. He has such a tender heart, and I love it. He cries when other babies cry, or when someone says "no" to the dogs. He is very sensitive to the emotions of others. He is so sweet, and so, so happy.

Logan has also taught me to love others - always. When he was 6 months old I flew with him to Utah for a visit. On our way back to Arizona, we were settled in our seats when everyone else was still boarding. I was watching the other passengers get in their seats when I made eye contact with a guy walking our way. He saw Logan on my lap and was very obviously nervous. He sat down and got settled, then nervously looked at Logan, who gave him a huge smile. The man sighed, and said "Oh, he is so sweet. I was so nervous because usually when babies see me they cry. It's not their fault, they are just not used to black people in Utah (he was from Ghana). But look at him! He is so sweet!" They babbled and smiled at each other the entire flight. The man had tears in his eyes at one point and said to me "Is he always this happy? He is so sweet. Look at how he smiles at everyone. I've never met a baby so friendly!" And on queue, Logan reached out and put his hand on this kind man's hand. I mean, really? Where did this angel boy come from? This wasn't a rare incident. He smiles at everyone, and loves everyone.

I can't wait to see what other lessons he has in store for me.